To Nha Notes | Dec. 12, 2022, 11:10 p.m.
If a peer pointed out ways in which you could improve your juggling, would you take it as an attack on your character and value as a human being? We hope not. In the same way, your self-worth shouldn’t be connected to the code you write—or any creative project you build. To repeat ourselves: you are not your code. Say that over and over. You are not what you make. You need to not only believe it yourself, but get your coworkers to believe it, too.
For example, if you have an insecure collaborator, here’s what not to say: “Man, you totally got the control flow wrong on that method there. You should be using the standard xyzzy code pattern like everyone else.” This feedback is full of antipatterns: you’re telling someone they’re “wrong” (as if the world were black and white), demanding they change something, and accusing them of creating something that goes against what everyone else is doing (making them feel stupid). Your coworker will immediately be put on the offense, and their response is bound to be overly emotional.
A better way to say the same thing might be, “Hey, I’m confused by the control flow in this section here. I wonder if the xyzzy code pattern might make this clearer and easier to maintain?” Notice how you’re using humility to make the question about you, not them. They’re not wrong; you’re just having trouble understanding the code. The suggestion is merely offered up as a way to clarify things for poor little you while possibly helping the project’s long-term sustainability goals. You’re also not demanding anything—you’re giving your collaborator the ability to peacefully reject the suggestion. The discussion stays focused on the code itself, not on anyone’s value or coding skills.
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